Annoying Facebook friends, part two...

Following on from the huge (ahem) success of the first installment, here follows the second part in my blogging magnum opus. Featuring some suggestions from some (less) annoying facebookers, here follows my annoying Facebook friends, part two...

6. The over excited exclaimer!!!!!

Something amazing just happened. Something for which the single exclamation mark, a tool which has suited writers for nearly 600 years, will not suffice. Even a doubling up won't cut it - this is news for which only 6 or 7 expressions of excitement will do - the eyebrows raise as the news is being typed, a trickle of urine rolling down the leg. Oh....you just had KFC.
We all do it, it's become a hall mark of the internet, but be judicious about it; if you're that excited about a cup of tea in the morning, how will you ever have anything in reserve for when you finally win that £10 on the lottery?

7. The excessive CAPS LOCKS user

Please, just stop. See above, replace 'excitement' with 'anger'. You read like a slack jawed, mouth breathing buffoon.

8. The Facebook gamer

Ok, I have no problem with people playing games on Facebook (everyone loves a bit of Scrabble, right?) but what I can't understand is what is so difficult about checking the box which stops the constant and incessantly irritating updates being posted on everyone's newsfeeds? I really don't care if you're 3,867,302 place in the daily 'can you name an animal you fucking moron' competition and nor do I care if you've won a new trophy, proving your capability to push the right buttons in order to 'pick up' the pixellated shit of your little ugly piece of coding you use to fill that gap in your lonely little loveless life. And don't even get me started on those bloody farmville requests...

9. The why-am-I-friends-with-a-baby?

Do you remember that flurry of cartoon profile pics that appeared a year or so back? The idea was that we all changed our picture to our favourite kids' TV character for some reason or other - this was swiftly followed by the breaking story that it was a ploy by paedophiles to get children to add them unknowingly as they posed under the guise of Liono or something. All complete bullshit of course.
Naturally though, the idiots got angry. The speed at which people started advertising the 'stop using kids' TV characters' message was stunning - the self rightousness of people as they made it their duty to accuse friends of assisting the kiddy fiddlers in their nefarious aims, the uproar that Facebook would allow such a thing slide. As you'd expect, it was the parents that got really angry - the young parents especially - exactly the same people who were sporting a profile picture of their young spawn gormlessly smiling at the camera just a week before.
I completely understand new parents wanting to display their ability to undertake the arduous task of fucking, and proudly displaying the by product of their sweaty, fumbled 30 seconds of fun; in fact I don't doubt I will when I eventually figure out how it all works. But do you really need to keep going on about it? I really couldn't give a shit if your little angel just farted at the dinner table, I'm not interested what they have shoved in their mouths today, and please stop telling the world about the successes - or failures - of potty training.
If you have a young child - well done. I'm happy for you, I really am, and I hope to join the club one day myself. But for the love of whatever deity you choose to thank for your bundle of joy, remember that I added you, not that shivelled little prune you call a child.

10. The airer of dirty laundry

Ok, a lot of the entries on this list have been a little tongue in cheek and I'm sure I'm guilty of a few of them, but this one really does get my goat. An open, uncensored forum is not the place to complain about your failed relationships, your arguments with friends or (and this one especially) the fight for your children. Show some fucking decorum.
The first problem is this; no-one really cares. Not for the reasons you want them to, anyway. The reason people like (like?!) or comment on these updates is because everyone loves some gossip, and especially the type that feeds people's need to feel better than someone else. The few people who genuinely do care, and want to offer their support? You already told them - by phone or in person - and they have already offered their support. All they're doing now is reaffirming this publicly, digitally pissing all over your status to prove to everyone else how much closer they are to the pathetically carved pierrot than the gawping audience, looking on from the stalls.
The second problem? It's easy to forget who is actually reading your Facebook updates. When you have 500+ friends, there is no way you can count on who you have added over the years - the family, friends and mutual acquantances of the object of your vehemence may be reading on. You don't care? What about your young neice, your cousin, ex colleagues? The people who used to see you as a respectable, friendly or even at the least, emotionally balanced....not any more.

So there it is, there's my ten. Feel free to add your own below....